To What Benefit?

Why do people play games with other people? Not Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, or Axis & Allies (my favourite boardgames!), but emotional games. And why do those games seem to always come back to ego? Why do people have to take from other people to make themselves feel better? The sensitive naive givers (namely me) are so damn vulnerable to these games. We are the first to be taken advantage of because we are such easy marks.

I closed myself off to such games and the pursuit of relationships etc. for a long time because it just hurt too damn much. And then someone came along that actually seemed to be different. The moment (though I didn’t realize it at the time) I opened myself back up to such things I was entirely roped back in to the game. The game where one ego feeds off of another like a parasite so subtle the host doesn’t realize what is happening. Until it is too late and the damage is done.

How can I ever ever ever open back up again now? How can I ever trust my judgment, my instinct, my heart when they have done nothing but put a beacon over my head that the parasites flood towards? Why do I even have to want to be with someone? Why couldn’t we evolve to be a single person species instead of having that wretched instinct to pair bond? Why couldn’t I have come along after all of the sensitive naive givers had become extinct due to natural selection or genetic mutation? Why can’t Janis Joplin still be alive so I can just be a lesbian and not care anymore?!

Listen, if you are in a relationship right now, go and hug that person…seriously. Tell them how much they mean to you, that you appreciate them, and make sure you are giving as much as you are taking. And do that every day. Appreciate what you have and don’t ever become one of the parasites that has to suck out of someone else what you are missing in your own life. If you happen to come across one of us sensitive naive givers perpetually mending their heart, give’em a warm cookie. Something with chocolate in it please.

And hey, I’m asking the same thing you are, why would anyone want to hurt ME?!Ā  I mean, I’m bloody fantastic!Ā  I’m in as much shock as you are folks!

G’night; I have to go cry myself to sleep now.

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~ by savasana on November 14, 2007.

12 Responses to “To What Benefit?”

  1. Oh, Sav, so sorry someone hurt you in that way. Wish there were more to do or say, but since I don’t know you all that well all I will do wish good things for you and hope you feel not so crushed in time. *hugs*

  2. *Shells gives Sav a big Ol’ Cookie.

    I am happy you can see it for what it is, the parasitical nature and ego grabbing of it all.

    We all have our moments of being a taker, when it is most necessary, emotionally healthy people manage to limit it to that need. Not everyone can. If you find another giver, you will find your match.

    And yes, you are bloody fantastic, which is why my personal anger and shock at the whole thing was such a profound, physical, and immediate reaction. And now I fear I have said to much šŸ˜›

  3. As you yourself said, you are indeed bloody fantastic!

    I hope the person who has hurt you gets an incredible case of crotch rot and suffers greatly from it.

    Why egotistical jerks feel the need to feed off other people is beyond me. I don’t know how someone could feel better about themselves after hurting someone they professed to care about (or anyone for that matter)…it is a concept I cannot understand.

    This person who hurt you is no better than someone who would kick a puppy.

    Know that you have the love and support of your friends. We do care and we are here. We love you, and that my dear, is something you can bank on.

    And for future reference, I’ll be more than happy to sniff any man in the future. I’m pretty good at recognizing a dog for what he is. šŸ˜‰

    And if I ever become lesbian, I’m calling you first. šŸ˜€

  4. Oh, Sav…

    I’m so sorry.

    Don’t know what else to say.

  5. LK, just always be good to your chica….and make sure she is just as good to you in return because sweetheart, you are a catch lol!

    Snigs, I had better be on speed dial. And I have appointed you and Shells to be my decision makers in regard to anyone with a penis as clearly I am not doing so well on my own.

    Shells, you said just enough. Thank you.

    Cheriem, hugs are always always welcome.

  6. Aww, Sav! You are fantastic and deserve nothing but the best! Who needs men when you have good friends? =)

    *Gives Sav tons of cookies and hugs*

  7. I am so sorry for your hurt Sav. No one deserves to be played and especially someone so awesome as you! Just remember the karma that fool is creating for himself. He will get his just dues one day. Keep your heart open and you may find a giver…you just have to be willing to TAKE, dammit…do some taking woman!

  8. Oh Wizus, great advice!!!!

  9. Thank you so much guys *sniffle*. I’ll start by taking a kleenex please. And I’m keeping all the cookies to myself lol!!

  10. Woah Sav! You are learning.

    *Shells is proud*

  11. /me passes kleenex and chocolate chip cookies…. *hugs*

  12. Some time ago – my first truly broken heart – I woke up one day and said out loud, “I don’t want to grow a thicker skin, I want the world to be a better place.” It is so many years later and the world is not a better place and my skin grew a bit thicker without my wanting it to and that, I think, is when the assholes win. The assholes win when we start to shut ourselves off from the very things that makes us wonderful in the first place in order to survive and cope with assholes.

    You are uniformly lovely. Your vulnverability and honesty are part of that loveliness. I do not know who this shmuck was or in what way his rampant insecurity (for what else is “ego” gone awry) manifested but I know from experience that in cases like these it is you who are the strong one and not him.

    The language is always that these big, tough egomaniacal “takers” pray on us poor”givers” but I have come to believe that real strength comes from having something to offer, being willing to share it and being willing to ask from something in return. Without something to offer, all that is left is to take and you are weaker for it. Soul weaker. Mind weaker. Body weaker.

    It’s pretty clear to me that you are not the weaker for anything. You have stuff to give. You are willing to share. You are brave enough to ask for things in return. Lick your wounds because wounds must be licked and then get back out there. Love in all its forms (friendly, romantic, parental) is why it’s worth getting out of the bed in the morning and the second we even think about growing a thicker skin to cope with the inevitable pain of loving we lessen ourselves and the world around us.

    That’s my two cents anyway. (Or a buck fifty – geez – sorry. I feel strongly about this stuff I guess [wink])

    And, if none of that helps – I know a great recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and I’ll find it if you want… HUGS, S.

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